i'm feeling very 'ghost on third'-ish. it seems to be that the whole world is holding a magnifying glass above me and my surroundings, its simotaniously exaggerating my flaws and burning me at the same time. i feel like a bag lady, although i've asked the lord to take away these bags, the luggage is still here, a la boogie board/ surfboard wrist thingyies.

for the most part i believe that i am an upstanding person, but in the pitt of my stomach, something doesn't seem to agree, maybe its just my insomnia, my paranoia of the worlds end, been reading to many novels, too much news i suppose.

its kinda strange not to have gentlemen callers knocking on my doors, windows, etc. i guess this is a time set aside for me to get my act together?


;/

I've realized that life is so precious, it really is. You dont know when its going to end for you, so take advantage of it. These words mean alot to me, so much now than they ever did. Im very confused and angry at this point, just so many questions, so many things that i could have done. I realized that everything works, everything is dictated by the most high.

I'm getting a little closer with my sister lately, its not as if we weren't close, but our relationship has a busload of tension in it. I've been in a shitty slump as of late, I've been unmotivated, and I need that to stop. I am the only one who can do it. My counselor at school told me about it way back when, but I've just pushed it to the side, and tried to hide it, tried to smother it with smiles, smother it with plans of doing this, later, next month, tomorrow.

I need to find something that motivates me, and its very silly, very ignorant of me, but i think i have found someone. I know the dangers of someone, but like the coin-operated-robot i am, i chase shiny pennies, quarters, dimes, nickels, pesos, euros, etc, etc.

mi familia

My insomniatic ways have lead me to seek calming music, and D'angelo is what i stumbled upon.

My family, is, well, i love them dearly. I do. They have helped me through hard times, and are mostly supportive, but I constantly notice that i dont meet their criteria of what a person should be. I dont know how I feel about that. I have never been the one to conform to anyones standards -to a certain extent, i have found that i am currently society's bitch; yet I feel that i need to please them. I just dont like to erm, erm.

Mix-tape Madness

Sitting here trying to be inspired, opened up photoshop, illustrator, and iTunes and decided that Ms. Amy Winehouse was going to be my muse tonight, but alas my creative fluids arent flowing, and I noticed that I have a measly collection of Ms. Amy's music compared to what i had before.. Now i'm listening to a Valentine's Day mixtape that I had on my desktop and hadn't opened. its pretty good, i think i'll make a playlist. I have THE best smoke playlist. Speaking of bad habits, Im going to quit the ganj. Its a horrible habit really. I love how my world changes when I smoke, but its just. I dont know.

Wents to the park today, tonight as in 1:00am my sister and i are going running, so i gots to get suited up, i dont want to lose my physique.

adieu.

i have sweet memories of last summer, mashed up with bitter, castor oil memories also.

i had just got fired from kinko's, and i was pretty happy about it for some reason. me and my ex boo would lay around all day and watch seasons of one tree hill, and bbq, i still had my ps3 then, and i was still trying to beat metal gear, he worked at subway so he brought home meats and cheeses and we would make panninis on the george foreman grill. it was hot in fresno, and we would go swimming, and i'd swim laps cause i was going to try out for the swim team that following spring.

and he moved in with me because his apartment was being renovated. and then, a few days after my birthday, he broke up with me. and my world seriously collapsed. and i was a wreck, and it was foolish of me, really to act the way that i did. i was like a zombie. not even my newly refound (and later lost) DS lite could make me happy. i was just uh. when i look back at that time and i remember how i acted, i am seriously ashamed. for one, i dont think he was anything to cry over, a self absorbed man (?), who didnt care, couldnt come to the terms that he should care, and had/has? emotional displacement issues, but alas, i loved him. i made the mistake of making him a big part of my world.

then my lovelies steph and leslie came to visit from sac. <3



but he still has a big chunk of my heart in his possession, even though im completely over him and he's totally over me (which i question since he asks everyone about my whereabouts)

hes scarred me badly, he said alot of things.
in fact when i asked him if we would ever get back together, he said, victoria, you're a PS3, and i really want another kind of console, i want a Wii...

it makes sense now.